Cutey Zone

I haven't used it since version 7 something, but I've been feeling kinda burned out on traditional coding lately and I figured I'd play around with Gamemaker a little. So I go to the website and the only version they have available is Studio 2 and the only free option is a 30-day trial. So now I'm downloading 8.1 off some shady website, hoping the only virus I get is herpes when I contract it from the back-alley blowjobs I'll have to give out to afford my next fix.

Mark Overmars is preemptively turning in his grave.

i have completed a phd thesis but i feel like the circumstances of individual thesises are all different and hard to compare to each other...... i definitely got burnt out on mathematics and research in general though and i am now working as a sort of "course assistant" (not quite a teaching assistant, its like a full time version with more duties) instead of doing a postdoc and trying to become a professor. i feel like its a much nicer job than trying to go further in academia which seems like hell to me. my thesis ended up being me half assedly gluing together a bunch of papers i wrote but it still took an enormous amount of time to work up the energy to do that, i spent months making almost no progress on writing it. if theres any kind of shortcut you can take to getting it done, you should take it.... just the advice of a simple honeydew

thesis work is killing me and i wonder if it's almost literal.... i've grown envious of people who I feel can "enjoy life" or "enjoy living" or "have things to look forward to." i'm just so tired of everything all the time and it's not even like some sort of despair but more like i just want to lie down and stop moving forever. the anxiety of working kept going up until eventually something broke and i couldn't care anymore. like i've achieved some sort of bizarre fake enlightenment and now i'm going to throw my future away because i can't think anymore and there's just some hole where my head used to be and nothing will happen anymore. for a while i was getting by with "oh I can just live if I treat things like a series of short-terms" because that way i can just go from thing to thing and not worry about anything in the future and just not get overwhelmed but it was too late anyway and now I just ghost everyone like my advisor and don't show up to any meetings or anything like that and keep thinking about if I should continue to pretend to be dead or if it'd be a better thing if i just actually die because that would at least lessen the inconsistency, but that would be cowardly and foolish and so obviously i can't do anything like that, there's more things i have to do, like this and that whatever "ideas" and "projects" i have on the eternal backburner that i know i will never ever get to, i think that going into academia proper will actually really kill me though if i'm already at this point with just a master's thesis, why did i ever do this, why did i ever do anything like this, why did i get to this point and think things were fine beforehand, even though i thought, "i'm burned out, i need just a bit of time to recover," but mis-estimated as usual and just sent myself back into the fire before i was ready, like i have some sort of desire for self-torture, and some weak-willed nonsense lack of character to the point where i regularly start weighting "giving everything up completely" versus continuing to try on anything at all, like there'd even be a difference because after quarantine and before quarantine were more or less the same thing at that point but at the same time i figure the only thing keeping me suffering like that was myself, since anyhow "you can always dig as deep as you want, as deep as you can" the ability to make your own life hell is always open to you and i was and am continuing to be such a fool by not doing anything to alleviate that and now i'm just stuck in the middle of it like some massive headless ostrich

occasionally i walk the cat (wolfie, who is 8 or almost 9) in the backyard on his cat harness. it's nice, except when he just lays down in about the same 3 places for a long time.
there's a bunch of wild edible vegetables (wild garlic and ramps) in the backyard which is also nice. i'd like to cook more and be more active, but it's easy to be consumed by the feeling of not having time, which is much worse than actually not having time. it's the home stretch, thankfully, and i ought to hopefully graduate before ...june.. july.... august....

yeah?? games are cool.. though this may not be surprising since i am gamer
I've been thinking about working on a game myself but not until next week because i am already working on a game

today is April 40! how are y;all celebrating your 40th of april? i'm celebrating by eating and video game. merry april 40th tis the season! (im trying to spread positive energy)